i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Randomize
