I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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