In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
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