My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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