Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Well I just put wine in my tea
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
