I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
