My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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