So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
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