Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
