i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
Randomize
