Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
