Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Randomize
