I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Randomize
