those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
