Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize
