Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
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