she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Does getting a boner while watching the celtic women sing opera on ETV make me cultured?
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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