And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
"it" just moved
id be glad to
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Randomize
