my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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