We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
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