This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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