Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
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