I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
