My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
it's business casual sex. like no kissing, shake hands after, occasional frequency
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Randomize
