I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I'm eating all of the evidence.
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Randomize
