Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize
