broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
