Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
