and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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