I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
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