you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
