Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
Randomize
