all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
You made out with two different species that night
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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