I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Randomize
