Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
