I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
