I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
