if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
Randomize
