Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
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