It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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