peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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