it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
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