So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
Randomize
