I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
Mom said you looked used
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Naked. naked and bneed help.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
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