last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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