My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
