Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I'm sobbing to NWA
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
