OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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