Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
