Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
