I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
the raccoons are back...
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