i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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