sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
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