i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Let the clothes fall where they may.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
