Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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