I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Randomize
