So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
