During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
