True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
