the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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