seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
