You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
