i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
