At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
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